Mac and Cheese

Since sophomore year of high school, I have taken career quizzes, interest quizzes, the Myers-Briggs test, among many other tests and quizzes. Why? Because there are days like today where I feel completely lost.
Every now and then I find a path.
I follow it around the corners, over every tree stump, only to then notice that it isn't there anymore. I look around and don't know where to turn or where to go forward. Then, I see a glimpse of trodden earth and I'm back on the path, chasing after another thought, another dream until that too disappears.
I want to be a vet.
No, a physical therapist.
Actually a math teacher.
Really, I want to be a psychologist.

Everything seems fine to me. I like all of those career choices, just like I peanut butter sandwiches, meatballs, hot dogs, ice cream, and pizza.

But I haven't seemed to find my mac and cheese. The one food that I never get sick of, the one passion that will always leave me saying yum.

I've gotten sick of Math. I haven't even been a math major for 2 years and I'm sick of it. It's not my mac and cheese.

I wonder what is.

Precious

What's precious to me?
Of course, the first thing that pops into my head if this wonderful face.

However, when I look at my life, I realize that in the day-to-day humdrum, I can loose sight of what is truly precious. Talking with your friends for almost an hour in your car as you drop her off brings everything back into the light.
My life is so blessed. My friends and family mean the WORLD to me. Do I truly appreciate them? Let them know that everything day? Do I set down the homework, close my computer, look up from my busyness and give them my time? To give me a chunk of me in return for their love?

I should. Nights like tonight nudge me back on track with the correct perspective of the world as good, good with friends and family surrounding me.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Decided

I think I felt your nudge.

Since high school, I have tried to seek out my passion and my college major. Some days I tremble with fear of failure and tears well up as I blink them away.

What makes this worse is Indecision, a huge player in my life that loves to jumble my thoughts.

However, I've been trying to block Indecision out and instead ask Him to take my hand and yank me towards where he wants me.
Not sure if I got this correctly, Lord. Let me know if I'm going astray like I usually do.

Biology major with Mathematics minor.
It sounds right, feels right. The nudge I felt was my internship professor telling me I need to find the general formula for a pattern that I talked about at a conference this past weekend. As much as I stare at it and scribble letters down, nothing happens. No light bulb or spark just my pattern with a lacking formula.
I hate it. I don't like being presented with a problem like this where I have no experience or previous example to help.

So, praying and thought in You has nudged me to where I am now. I'm not going to give up on the general formula, can't do that. However, I can listen to You and follow your voice.

Thanks.

Checked off the List: Atlanta

This past Friday, I arrived at the BWI Airport to go through security alone for the first time to start off my adventure to Atlanta, Georgia. Atlanta!! Another state checked off the list.

I was there for a Math Conference, where I was surrounded by absolutely brilliant people with delightful accents sprinkled here and there. However, I'm not sure how I feel coming out of the conference.

Surrounded by mathematicians oozing passion and curiosity for mathematics, you would think some of the sparkle would fall on me. Alas, I felt "eh" coming out of conference. When asked how Atlanta was by friends and family I said, "fine." It was an AWESOME experience flying alone to an unfamiliar state giving my first talk at a conference. My interest wasn't quite piqued though.

Maybe math isn't for me.

This is the struggle I've been wrestling with for the past couple months. However, I'm done with struggling with it on my own. I've offered it up to God to sort it out and asked for his hand to lead me to where I should go. Now all I need to do is wait for his tug.

Last Minutes of Sunday II

I find myself writing in the last minutes of another Sunday.
I think it's the wrapping up of the previous week and the enormous potential for the upcoming week that inspires me to click my way to this page.

But perspective.
I want to say something about that because recently I have lacked perspective. I have looked down at my life and come away unsatisfied.
I see the numerous posts and pictures of friends at other colleges. I see posts of adventures friends here at my school that failed to invite me.
I compare my life to others and become ungrateful. Depressed. Unsatisfied.
I don't realize what I have.
My life is incredible.

I have a few close friends. Sometimes I feel the need to reach out for more.
That's all I need, though.
Then I start thinking that years from now, who cares about the others? The few are the ones that matter.
Why should I try to reach out and establish new relationships, give my time to others.
And that is because joy must be spread, be experienced, and multiplied.
Love must vibrate through the air.
Laughter must soak into our skin.

Life needs to be enjoyed. In the present. In the now.

Not later. Not in the future when I am older. I need to find the joys in everyday.

That being said, I need to see where I lack joy in my life. I should not do because I think I should.
I should do because I WANT, CRAVE, YEARN to do.
Can I break those bridges though?
Am I strong enough and wise enough to see the rusting bridges?

Last Minutes of Sunday

It's 11:24 p.m. Little more than half hour left of Sunday.
Sundays whisk by you without more than a glance. You protest the morning sun one moment and wish for it as it darkens and Monday is creeping up.
Today was quite a splendid Sunday.
I had a couple usual life talk with friends. Usual because they find their way into my life everyday.
Life talks?
Basically, talks about my indecision about life and my major.
I'm a Math major.
EWWW is what you're thinking. I don't necessarily agree...most of the time.
Biology. Biology can lead to animals and physical therapy. Biology doesn't seem so ew.
Except when you consider the amount of schooling involved for some of my dreamt of professions.
EWWWWWWWW.

You know what? It doesn't matter. He will lead me down the path I should go. I certainly, certainly have no idea where I am going. Recently he's been nudging me ever so slightly. I can't tell yet. More to come.

Just around the river bend.

Rainy Saturday

What a wonderful day.
Did anything out of this world happen? Any FANTASTIC?
No, but it was a good, good day.
A target shopping trip with my mom started my day. We wandered joyfully.
A most needed phone call from a best friend brought a smile to my face.
A football game with friends was spent.
And a horrible movie and an episode of Modern Family was watched with friends across the hall.
And now I am in a cozy blanket about to head to bed.
Not too shabby.
Thanks, Lord.