Mac and Cheese

Since sophomore year of high school, I have taken career quizzes, interest quizzes, the Myers-Briggs test, among many other tests and quizzes. Why? Because there are days like today where I feel completely lost.
Every now and then I find a path.
I follow it around the corners, over every tree stump, only to then notice that it isn't there anymore. I look around and don't know where to turn or where to go forward. Then, I see a glimpse of trodden earth and I'm back on the path, chasing after another thought, another dream until that too disappears.
I want to be a vet.
No, a physical therapist.
Actually a math teacher.
Really, I want to be a psychologist.

Everything seems fine to me. I like all of those career choices, just like I peanut butter sandwiches, meatballs, hot dogs, ice cream, and pizza.

But I haven't seemed to find my mac and cheese. The one food that I never get sick of, the one passion that will always leave me saying yum.

I've gotten sick of Math. I haven't even been a math major for 2 years and I'm sick of it. It's not my mac and cheese.

I wonder what is.

Precious

What's precious to me?
Of course, the first thing that pops into my head if this wonderful face.

However, when I look at my life, I realize that in the day-to-day humdrum, I can loose sight of what is truly precious. Talking with your friends for almost an hour in your car as you drop her off brings everything back into the light.
My life is so blessed. My friends and family mean the WORLD to me. Do I truly appreciate them? Let them know that everything day? Do I set down the homework, close my computer, look up from my busyness and give them my time? To give me a chunk of me in return for their love?

I should. Nights like tonight nudge me back on track with the correct perspective of the world as good, good with friends and family surrounding me.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Decided

I think I felt your nudge.

Since high school, I have tried to seek out my passion and my college major. Some days I tremble with fear of failure and tears well up as I blink them away.

What makes this worse is Indecision, a huge player in my life that loves to jumble my thoughts.

However, I've been trying to block Indecision out and instead ask Him to take my hand and yank me towards where he wants me.
Not sure if I got this correctly, Lord. Let me know if I'm going astray like I usually do.

Biology major with Mathematics minor.
It sounds right, feels right. The nudge I felt was my internship professor telling me I need to find the general formula for a pattern that I talked about at a conference this past weekend. As much as I stare at it and scribble letters down, nothing happens. No light bulb or spark just my pattern with a lacking formula.
I hate it. I don't like being presented with a problem like this where I have no experience or previous example to help.

So, praying and thought in You has nudged me to where I am now. I'm not going to give up on the general formula, can't do that. However, I can listen to You and follow your voice.

Thanks.

Checked off the List: Atlanta

This past Friday, I arrived at the BWI Airport to go through security alone for the first time to start off my adventure to Atlanta, Georgia. Atlanta!! Another state checked off the list.

I was there for a Math Conference, where I was surrounded by absolutely brilliant people with delightful accents sprinkled here and there. However, I'm not sure how I feel coming out of the conference.

Surrounded by mathematicians oozing passion and curiosity for mathematics, you would think some of the sparkle would fall on me. Alas, I felt "eh" coming out of conference. When asked how Atlanta was by friends and family I said, "fine." It was an AWESOME experience flying alone to an unfamiliar state giving my first talk at a conference. My interest wasn't quite piqued though.

Maybe math isn't for me.

This is the struggle I've been wrestling with for the past couple months. However, I'm done with struggling with it on my own. I've offered it up to God to sort it out and asked for his hand to lead me to where I should go. Now all I need to do is wait for his tug.

Last Minutes of Sunday II

I find myself writing in the last minutes of another Sunday.
I think it's the wrapping up of the previous week and the enormous potential for the upcoming week that inspires me to click my way to this page.

But perspective.
I want to say something about that because recently I have lacked perspective. I have looked down at my life and come away unsatisfied.
I see the numerous posts and pictures of friends at other colleges. I see posts of adventures friends here at my school that failed to invite me.
I compare my life to others and become ungrateful. Depressed. Unsatisfied.
I don't realize what I have.
My life is incredible.

I have a few close friends. Sometimes I feel the need to reach out for more.
That's all I need, though.
Then I start thinking that years from now, who cares about the others? The few are the ones that matter.
Why should I try to reach out and establish new relationships, give my time to others.
And that is because joy must be spread, be experienced, and multiplied.
Love must vibrate through the air.
Laughter must soak into our skin.

Life needs to be enjoyed. In the present. In the now.

Not later. Not in the future when I am older. I need to find the joys in everyday.

That being said, I need to see where I lack joy in my life. I should not do because I think I should.
I should do because I WANT, CRAVE, YEARN to do.
Can I break those bridges though?
Am I strong enough and wise enough to see the rusting bridges?

Last Minutes of Sunday

It's 11:24 p.m. Little more than half hour left of Sunday.
Sundays whisk by you without more than a glance. You protest the morning sun one moment and wish for it as it darkens and Monday is creeping up.
Today was quite a splendid Sunday.
I had a couple usual life talk with friends. Usual because they find their way into my life everyday.
Life talks?
Basically, talks about my indecision about life and my major.
I'm a Math major.
EWWW is what you're thinking. I don't necessarily agree...most of the time.
Biology. Biology can lead to animals and physical therapy. Biology doesn't seem so ew.
Except when you consider the amount of schooling involved for some of my dreamt of professions.
EWWWWWWWW.

You know what? It doesn't matter. He will lead me down the path I should go. I certainly, certainly have no idea where I am going. Recently he's been nudging me ever so slightly. I can't tell yet. More to come.

Just around the river bend.

Rainy Saturday

What a wonderful day.
Did anything out of this world happen? Any FANTASTIC?
No, but it was a good, good day.
A target shopping trip with my mom started my day. We wandered joyfully.
A most needed phone call from a best friend brought a smile to my face.
A football game with friends was spent.
And a horrible movie and an episode of Modern Family was watched with friends across the hall.
And now I am in a cozy blanket about to head to bed.
Not too shabby.
Thanks, Lord.

Rainy Monday

Mondays seem to be the worst day of the week.
End of the weekend.
Beginning of the week.
Work.
Homework.
Tests.
Exams.
School.

You know what, though? I like Mondays. They are itch with potential. Anything can happen this week, be it good or bad.

This particular Monday it rained. As I sat sipping a Chai Tea Latte waiting for a friend to join me for lunch, I watched hunched shoulders after hunched shoulders trudging through the rain.
Not one seemed to be having a good Monday.
If any one of them had stopped, paused, and realized how refreshing the rain was, how it whisked away the humidity, and how it brought a clean start to week, they just might have smiled.

Nothing particularly extraordinary or wonderful happened today.
But it was a day. A delightful day in which I relished in moments of smiles and laughter.

It was a Rainy Monday.

Brokenness

Today, like other days, I feel broken.

I feel weak against all the forces of the world bearing down upon me. 

True, I am a college student. What do I have to worry about? I'm living the good life! 

I am. I am truly, truly blessed.

Moments of weakness and loneliness can bring me to my knees. 

Only in times of true broken do I realize what I have.

I have the most amazing best friend in the world. 

Picking a title

I have written a couple paragraphs now. You can't see them because I have deleted them again and again. It's because with every decision that I must make comes dreadful indecision. 

I have a hard time making decisions. It's always been that way.When it came time for me to choose a college, you can imagine how I struggled. I'm still wrestling with which major to choose. As pathetic as it sounds, indecision has brought me to tears. It's frustrating. 

My saving grace is running. 5:30 am. 

I'm the crazy person only few driving past see in the early hours of a summer morning when regular teenagers are either sleeping in or grabbing precious minutes of sleep before they are jolted awake for work.

8:00 am. Monday through Friday. Like every other college kid I had work.

At first I thought there was no way I could get up early to run. All through July I was right. 

Then, one morning in August I stumbled out of bed, blindly reaching for my running shoes. 

When I made it outside I could barely see.The sun had not even woken up yet. I grumbled and started off towards Centennial Park. 

As the sun woke up along my run, I began to wake up too. I awoke to what I had been missing for the past month: the beauty of God's creation, the chill of the morning air, the power in my legs, the smoothness of the pavement, the good mornings of the birds, the wary eyes of the little chubby bunnies, the rain. 

Rain isn't the most popular weather forecast or people's favorite thing. It's cold, wet, annoying, dreary, and inconvenient. Running has made me realize just how much I love the rain. When the forecast says rain, I can't help but smile. If I can't run, then I dance or twirl in the rain! 

I'm not an English major or one who's particularly gifted with using metaphors, but I like to try to think of my life as running in the rain. Just like everyone else, I have pain, struggles, battles, and I get beaten down. I don't want to spend my life just looking at that though. I want to go out, experience it, and enjoy it! I want to notice my life!! I want to soak in everything and not miss a single second!!!

But, the only way I can truly do that is to let go.

Let go of my petty worries.

Let go of my insecurities.

Let go of my doubts.

Let go of my indecision.

Let go.

Let God.

And run in the rain.